“Oh My God, It’s Rob!”—Pope Leo XIV’s Brother Reacts to Historic Election With the Eloquence of a Man Who Just Won the Vatican Lottery
In a shocking turn of events that has left Catholics thrilled and conspiracy theorists scrambling to connect this to the Illuminati, Robert Francis Prevost—now Pope Leo XIV—has made history as the first American pontiff. But the real drama wasn’t in the Sistine Chapel; it was in Chicago, where his brother Louis Prevost was reportedly so stunned he could only muster: “There are no words.”
And honestly, what are the right words? “Congrats on becoming the literal Vicar of Christ, bro. Mom’s gonna lose it when she finds out you outrank her now”? Louis, ever the poet, did manage to recall that young Rob was more into “religion than bows and arrows” as a kid—which, in hindsight, was probably a solid career move .
Meanwhile, the rest of America is busy debating whether this means the Vatican will now accept Apple Pay, if the Pope gets free deep-dish pizza for life, and if his first encyclical will include a shoutout to the Chicago Bears. The White House, never one to miss a PR opportunity, has already rolled out the red carpet, with former presidents tripping over themselves to congratulate “a fellow Chicagoan” (looking at you, Obama) .
But let’s not forget the real heroes here: the cardinals who, after centuries of Italian popes, finally caved and went, “Fine, we’ll try an American. But if he starts talking about ‘freedom fries’ during Mass, we’re revoking his sacraments.”
As for Leo XIV? He’s already preaching peace, humility, and “evil will not prevail”—which, given the current state of Twitter/X, is either deeply inspiring or wildly optimistic . Either way, the Church’s new era is here, and it’s wearing a red cape and carrying a Peruvian-American heart. Habemus Papam, y’all.
